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Tips for struggling with the social aspect of conferences?

In our new "how can we help you?" thread, a reader asks:

I am a grad student and I find conferences difficult, particularly the social aspect. I have found myself getting lunch or dinner alone when I would have rather been able to talk to others. Do others feel this way? How do I better spend my time at conferences so that I can connect with others?

I empathize with the OP. Especially earlier in my career, I spent quite a few conferences feeling quite isolated in the ways they describe. As my career has gotten further along, I've simply gotten to know more people in the profession (often from past conferences), which has made it easier to find people to hang with at conferences.

But I do have a couple of suggestions:

  1. Hang around in or around the room after conference talks, particularly ones before lunch or dinner. Oftentimes people will gather together chatting, which often involves into the people present "making plans" to do something after the talk. If you're in the vicinity and look interested (particularly if you make an effort to chat), people may introduce themselves to you and see if you're interested in coming along. It can be a bit awkward, especially if that doesn't happen, but I've found it can be a great way to get invited to food or drinks, which in turn are opportunities to get to know and talk at length with groups of people. Then when you see some of the same people at future conferences, you have a connection with them!
  2. Consider reaching out to people before conferences by email to see if they'd be interested in grabbing a coffee. I'm not sure if I have ever "cold called" someone this way that I didn't already have some connection with (such as meeting them at a previous conference), but I have found it to be a good way to get to know "acquaintances" better and become more like "professional friends." I've developed quite a few friendships in the profession, and have found meet-ups like these to be among the things I look forward to the most when I go to conferences.

Do any other readers have any helpful tips for the OP?

Posted in ,

9 responses to “Tips for struggling with the social aspect of conferences?”

  1. be bold!

    #2 above is a good strategy! Once I was planning to attend a conference and noticed someone whose work I’m very familiar with would also be attending. I emailed them before the conference to confirm and let them know I’d love to grab dinner or coffee at the conference. We ended up spending a great deal of time together at the conference, and I’ve made a solid connection as a result.
    But in lieu of that option, I think there is no substitute for simply inserting yourself in social situations at these events. You have to be bold and confident. It doesn’t always pay off. But more often than not, it does. Most people are quite friendly and understand the social dynamics of a conference. They are more than willing to meet new people, grab a meal or a drink, chat, etc. That’s what a conference is for! It is also helpful to have some questions ready for conversation. Whenever you meet someone new, don’t ask them ‘how are you?’. Ask them what they are currently working on, what their short-term/long-term plans are, etc. Get them talking about themselves and you probably won’t be able to shut them up.

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  2. mental notes

    I’ve found a helpful approach is to maintain a mental list of specific people I’d like to connect with, maybe with some kind of talking point. I know it sounds a little cynical, but ticking people off this list in my head helps me built confidence, which in turn makes it easier for me engage in more spontaneous interactions during the conference.

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  3. shy grad

    Hi here, I’m a very shy grad student, and I’ve usually tackled the social aspect of conferences by finding people I have things in common with — similar research interests, familiar faces at multiple panels you’ve attended, etc. I’ve also gone up to people whom I thought made a particularly interesting point during panel Q&As and talked to them about that. Then, I’ll ask if they want to get coffee! You do have to put yourself out there a bit, but it helps to assume best intentions from people, and you do get used to it. Don’t worry about coming across as someone you’re not (more extroverted, etc.) and embrace potential awkwardness. Best of luck!

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  4. academic migrant

    One thing that I still find difficult is navigating big conferences. In small workshops that have dedicated themes and one single stream, it feels easier to connect to people. Even so, I sometimes just go to conferences my friends go to, and tell them that I’ll just piggyback on their networking. Things get infinitely easier when you eventually become (one of) the invited speaker(s).

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  5. or just accept it

    I would take others’ more optimistic advice first, but just in case this helps at some point: I have never been able to connect with philosophers socially – at conferences or otherwise. In other walks of life, I have never had similar issues. At one point it was devastating to me, and I sought hard for causes and solutions. Given how well others seem to do socially, the problem is certainly mine – though I’ve been unable to identify or fix it. However!: I’ve learned over time to just enjoy other parts of the field and profession. I’ve probably missed out on opportunities – and I definitely would have enjoyed more conversation and camaraderie. But that doesn’t have to diminish the rest of it, and it hasn’t been a death sentence for my career.

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  6. grad student

    As a grad student, one strategy I used at my first few conferences was to find the other grad students! Often, they also don’t know anyone and are much more approachable. I’ve even gone up to a couple of other grad students and told them I didn’t know anyone at the conference, and that has very often led to them going out of their way to include me for the rest of the conference. Then, later into my grad school experience, I now find myself much more comfortable approaching people (now I mostly approach early career folks or people I’ve met at previous conferences). I also try to “pay it forward” as much as I can by erring on the side of including folks who seem like they might be on their own – I wish more people would do that.

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  7. Assistant Professor

    I agree with Academic Migrant that different kinds of conference offer different methods for engagement and that might be a reason to diversify one’s conference-going. I like smaller conferences, where there might be catered meals that people share together or other kinds of coordinated opportunities to socialize informally, and perhaps higher likelihood of having overlapping interests if we are at a specialize rather than generalist conference. Of course, for people who want/need a break from the socializing, this can be tough too!
    I also think some of the burden should be on conference organizers to consider mechanisms for productive networking and socializing, especially since people love to tout this as the main value of in-person conferencing over virtual conferencing. Looking forward to seeing how the Central APA reimagines networking at the upcoming virtual meeting, but I think in-person conferences could do a better job reimagining socializing and networking too.

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  8. anon

    I’ve found that the social rules are different when people are talking philosophy at a conference (especially if they’re doing philosophizing poses and gestures). You can just walk up and join the circle or whatever and at least listen. If someone looks at you, you can just say, “Sorry, I just overheard what you were saying, and it sounded really interesting.” 99% of the time, people are nice and flattered that someone wants to listen to them. You can also look down with your brow furrowed and your hand on your face in one of those thinking poses to reduce eye contact, which dials down the intensity of your entrance. Probably best to wait a bit before chiming in, though often, you will be cued in soon enough (e.g., “But that just can’t be true, right? Am I missing something?” [looks around]). A warm-up for this kind of joining-in is doing it for the questions people come up and ask a speaker after the presentation and official Q&A. I wouldn’t insert myself if people are talking about other stuff or about the philosophy profession (e.g., teaching load, job market, etc.), but if it’s straight philosophy, no problem.
    (An interesting dynamic is how long these rules linger outside of the conference venue, like when you see folks from the conference at a restaurant or in the airport.)

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  9. Charles Pigden

    A caveat before making my comment: my experience of conferences is almost entirely confined to Australasia, and Australasian conferences tend to be smaller, more intimate and less hierarchical than the large US conferences seem be . So what has worked of me may not work for my American colleagues. That said, I totally endorse the OP’s #1 though I am agnostic about #2 (never having tried it and by now being sufficiently well-known that I don’t have to). However I would like to add that if you want to be included in post-paper groups , it is important it is to get into the habit of asking a question or raising an objection in the paper itself, so long as you have something reasonably intelligent to say. Even clarificatory questions can raise your profile , since if there is something that puzzles you there is a good chance it will be puzzling other people and they will be grateful to you (and therefore more likely to socialise with you) for asking the question that they were too shy to ask. (‘Have I got this right? You seem to be arguing that there are good reasons to believe in X and that if X then probably Y. Is that it?’ ) The speaker is more like to include you in any social gatherings, if for him or for her, you are not just another face in the crowd. By the time I finished my PhD in 1985 I was on reasonably friendly terms with most of the big names of Australian philosophy as well as frequent-flying visitors such as David Lewis, even though, to begin with, I was a little shy. I am sure those questions had something to do with it. Let me add that you can do all this without being a sycophant. Most philosophers in my experience are reasonably decent human beings, and are happy to socialise with newcomers. As for the minority that insist on being sucked up to , well, the rewards of sucking up to them are not worth the moral costs of being a suck-up. Three more points: 1) . Although many philosophers are happy to continue the discussion, even the most dedicated sometimes need to give it a rest. (I remember one philosopher of my acquaintance relentlessly pursuing David Lewis with a question about identical revolving steel balls even though David would clearly have preferred to be talking about something else) So you must learn to be sensitive to the signs and to be able talk about something other than the paper or other than a big name philosopher’s most recent work. 2) You are likely to be more successful as a networker if you are not self-consciously out to network. Attend the papers that interest you and associate with those who seem fun to talk to. Paradoxically you are more likely to meet with people who will be useful to you if you are not self-consciously out to make friends with the people who are useful to you. Have fun. 3) And that’s my final point: Fun. Some of the best and most exciting times I have ever had have been at Philosophy conferences, especially in Australia. I gave up going to Oz (I live win New Zealand) after the 2008 conference out of a desire to minimise my personal responsibility for the coming climate catastrophe which is becoming more and more inevitable. I also wanted to be able to ask that others make sacrifices to avert disaster without obvious hypocrisy. But giving up on the Australian conferences of the AAP was a real wrench for me as I was giving upon one of the greatest pleasures my life.

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