An area philosopher is in critical yet stable condition in a local hospital today due to the acute effects of an existential crisis brought on by realizing the joint implications of utilitarianism and panpsychism. At a press conference, the victim's mother pleaded to the public, "Before he became a philosophy, he was so happy and…

In a groundbreaking article appearing in the Journal of Philosophical Progress, an area philosopher claims to have revolutionized philosophical methods, defending a new "conclusions-first philosophy" otherwise known as "conclusions fundamentalism." The philosopher explained, "All I have really done is take two influential methodological advances to their inevitable logical conclusion." When asked to elaborate, the philosopher explained, "For most…

In a stunning set of developments, a philosophical zombie definitively resolved three perennial philosophical problems over the course of a single undergraduate seminar. The class in question, taught by Professor Gödel-Schmidt, was scheduled to focus entirely on René Descartes' famous proof of his own existence–cogito, ergo sum. However, it quickly evolved into a wide ranging discussion culminating in the establishment…