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Tips for grappling with loneliness in the academy?

Last week, we had an eye-opening discussion of loneliness in academic life. For many of us, whether it is moving many times to different jobs in different cities or countries, working in a small department with high teaching and service loads, significant age or interest differences between faculty, etc., a career in academia has turned out to be a lot more isolating/lonely that we probably expected.

Out of respect for the OP, last week's thread avoided sharing tips for grappling with these issues. The OP simply wanted to know how many others in academia have been similarly surprised about how lonely of an existence it is. At the same time, I expect that some readers may be interested in tips on how to handle experiences of loneliness in the profession.

One late stage graduate student, Joshua, posted the following:

the first and central piece of advice I give to new graduate students is to find friends outside of the department. I suspect academics across disciplines who struggle to do this will pretty much always face the issue OP is getting at. I definitely struggled with moving ~600 miles to start grad school and only found good friends outside of my department well into my time here.

I think this may be sound advice to graduate students, and it may even be for some faculty who are grappling with loneliness. Still, as I mentioned in a follow-up comment, it may be very difficult for faculty with high teaching, service, and/or research expectations to make many non-academic friends.

In any case, do any of you have any helpful tips for grappling with loneliness in the academy?

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18 responses to “Tips for grappling with loneliness in the academy?”

  1. Hermias

    “The more a man has in himself, the less he will want from other people, — the less, indeed, other people can be to him. This is why a high degree of intellect tends to make a man unsocial. ” – Arty Schopster, The Wisdom of Life Chapter 2
    I think there’s something to what he says.

    Reply
  2. Prof L

    I wonder how much of the loneliness is due to low marriage/child rates among academics? I imagine being single or childless well into one’s 30s and 40s is just lonely generally, not just among academics. A lot of people start having families at this time, and schedules and free time and interests shift with children. Of course this is exacerbated by frequent moves and other things people mention, but my biggest source of social support is 100% my family. I’m not lonely at all. In fact, I wish I had more time alone.
    I guess my advice would be: If you can find a suitable partner, get married and have kids. Don’t put it off until some magical future when you’ve achieved all of your professional goals or feel professionally secure. I take it that as difficult as having kids is, being lonely is more difficult, in a totally different way. But those professional aspirations are not worth the sacrifice, even were that sacrifice an effective one (I do not think it is).

    Reply
  3. Jordan

    Re: Hermias
    Maybe that’s true of a Schopenhauer-level intellect (though even there I have my doubts), but not of the average university professor. We mere humans get lonely.
    Anyway, I think part of the answer to the question ought to be that you should be aware of this problem going in to grad school, and in particular be aware that you are likely to be forced to make decisions about whether your professional ambitions are worth the loneliness. It’s perfectly reasonable, in my opinion, to go to a lower ranked department for graduate school, or to take a less prestigious job, or to get out of academia altogether, if you see that the “right” move professionally is likely to lead to loneliness. The professional inertia is so strong that otherwise intelligent people torpedo some of the most important things in their lives for even fairly minimal professional gains.

    Reply
  4. Prof L

    Maybe Hermias is joking? Tongue-in-cheek quoting life advice from Schopenhauer, that famously happy and well-adjusted philosopher?

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  5. Bill Vanderburgh

    Re: Prof L’s comments, I think low marriage rates clearly contribute to young academics feeling lonely. But I suspect low marriage rate is an effect of the same factors that cause the loneliness, not the cause itself: Social isolation; frequent moves; to places we don’t necessarily fit or choose; lack of time, money, prestige, and prospects; working too much; etc. If we are not meeting anyone, we are not likely to be meeting a worthy life partner.
    I spent several years in my first job wishing I was somewhere else. I eventually realized I had to live where I was (even while hoping/planning to leave), rather than sitting in my apartment imagining a different life. Because the work itself is lonely (reading and writing for hours), I started doing that at cafes and bars, where I made acquaintances and friends among the regulars and staff. I also realized that many people on my campus were feeling similar disconnection, so I made it a point to be the one to arrange Friday after work beers. That eventually turned into a weekly thing with a rotating cast of about 50 people who would drop in when they could (normally it was five to twelve people, depending on what folks had going on). That helped a lot.

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  6. SLAC Professor

    I think loneliness is usually defined as the subjective feeling of having fewer meaningful social contacts than you would prefer. A bad marriage can be horribly lonely, and many parents, especially mothers, report being lonely, so it is a bit odd to see people suggesting getting married and having kids as a cure for the loneliness of being a professional philosopher!
    Presumably one way of addressing the loneliness that many professional philosophers feel would be to strive to make our working conditions more like the working conditions of less lonely professions. So we could aim to do more collaborative writing and teaching. Or more service. Anything to replace the hours and hours we spend alone at our computers or with our books.
    Unfortunately, this kind of work is often not valued when it comes time for tenure and promotion. And, for me at least, the genuine anti-loneliness benefits of a more social work environment may not be worth the costs that come with such working conditions. So maybe we are left with the “solution” of making peace with a certain amount of loneliness being the price we are willing to pay for time alone to read and write.

    Reply
  7. Moved around a lot for a long time

    I don’t know if this is a tip, because it isn’t available to everyone. But one thing that I have done is always, always, always have roommates– even when it is more costly than getting a place by myself, even when they aren’t quite right, even when its got its annoyances, even though its kind of socially weird as an adult. Indeed, at this point, my spouse and I have roommates even though we are perfectly happy as a couple and married with a kid. That meant that even when I felt like I really didn’t have friends or connections in my department or location, there was always somebody to make small talk with occasionally. Even that little bit helps.

    Reply
  8. Kapto

    I strongly recommend both (1) setting up an informal, regular study/coffee meet with at least one colleague; AND
    (2) becoming part of another community outside your department. It’s not just about having friends; it’s about having a different framework where you belong and find yourself among like-minded fellows who care about you. If you identify already with a larger community (religious, cultural, political, athletic, culinary), then find a local chapter or congregation. Could be a ritual or a jujitsu sparring session or beer-making club. But something regular where you’re a recognized member, in some sense, and repeatedly see the other members. In at least one case I know, people found this in a bar (“Where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came…”)
    But wherever they find it, they seem to deal better, in my experience, with the solitariness of academic life than those who don’t.

    Reply
  9. Tammo

    I agree with Joshua about the importance of finding non-academic friends, or at least friends that you have no professional interactions with. I’ve felt lonely when I was away from those friends and only had contact with people who I knew professionally. Part of the reason for that was the way some people network professionally. While that may be useful, I think it also can cause a suspicion that the people you interact with only do so because they think they are supposed to do that, or worse, because they see you as a resource. When I’m with non-academic friends, there’s nothing of that. Plus we never talk about department politics or the job market, because they don’t care about that stuff, and that’s very healthy for me — we should all think less about that! (Side note: there’s no shame in looking for friends online when you relocate.)

    Reply
  10. Rosa

    Here are two things that have worked really, really well for me:
    1. If you can wing it and are in a permanent job, try renting for a year. Figure out if there is a neighborhood where lots of faculty your age live, and move there. I live in a neighborhood near the university where a lot of young progressive faculty with young families live (it’s in the city school district rather than the surrounding suburbs, so we tend to share a lot of politics and moral commitments with folks here, too), and we’ve made a lot of good friends this way. Spontaneous dinners, dropping our kids off at each other’s houses, lots and lots of backyard bonfire drinks during the pandemic. I have academic friends in big cities, small cities, and college towns who have colleagues that tend to cluster this way. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s worth finding out about whether it exists.
    2. Work with other people! I run an official writing group through the WGS program on Friday mornings, but I also get together one-on-one with friends in other departments several mornings a week to write together. It’s good for my work because co-working focuses me, but it’s also been really, really wonderful for my friendships, because sustained one-on-one contact with people I like is almost literally the only reliable way of building close friends that I have found. Drinks after work are wonderful, but I like co-working because a) you need to do work anyway, so it doesn’t always feel as hard to me as fitting in “extra” things like drinks, and b) I am a classic awkward academic, and so co-working cuts down a lot on the need for awkward small talk that you get with drinks. And then once you feel more comfortable with someone, it becomes way more comfortable and easier to prioritize the out-of-work socializing.
    The loneliness is deeply hard, and I really, really feel for everyone dealing with it. But it does give me hope that so many other academics feel it too – lots of potential people to band together with to fight it in fellowship.

    Reply
  11. Prof L

    SLAC professor, it would indeed be odd for someone to suggest that others enter into bad marriages as a cure for loneliness. But I don’t think anyone suggested that.
    Caring for small children can indeed be lonely, but children grow older, and the relationship becomes pretty social fairly early on (5 years old?). Similarly, being mother to an infant can be extremely isolating, but that’s a temporary state.
    Of course, being married and having kids are huge commitments, and no one should do it simply to avoid being lonely. My point was rather that it should not be delayed or foregone for professional reasons, for two reasons. (1) That sacrifice isn’t worth it. Moreover, (2) having these deep attachments may help, rather than hinder one’s career, insofar as such (healthy) attachments make life better/easier.

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  12. Cynthia Freeland

    Volunteer somewhere. I didn’t make more friends outside of academia until I had my promotions and didn’t need to do so much grinding research. I volunteered at a photography organization and made friends there. We helped hang exhibits, organize events, run an auction, and eventually I got on their board and participated in grant-writing and fundraising. I learned in that process that as a philosopher I had valuable skills at writing and communicating. Later on I volunteered at a no-kill animal shelter. There I met a wide variety of people in all sorts of jobs and of different ages and personalities. Sometimes we organized “Cat Lady Dinners.” (Yes, I admit I am one.) We shared life events, as when I helped a young woman escape from her abusive boyfriend. I do have and very much value my philosopher friends, but I find it helps me to participate in other kinds of friendship with people who have common interests outside philosophy. Of course, I live in a large city so maybe have more opportunities than people do in rural areas.

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  13. SLAC Professor

    Prof L: Perhaps I misunderstood how directive you were attempting to be when you suggested that the loneliness of professional philosophers may be due to our low marriage/child rates. Apologies.
    Nevertheless, my basic point still holds: I believe you are wrong to suggest that the low levels of marriage or children amongst professional philosophers is what best explains academic loneliness.
    A quick Google search reveals a fair amount of recent empirical evidence that suggests that married parents are actually lonelier than unmarried non-parents. This research suggests that the trope of the lonely childless singleton is, in fact, a trope. And it is, in my estimation, a dangerous trope that doesn’t really address the (apparent) problem of loneliness in academic philosophy.

    Reply
  14. Elizabeth S

    Loads of these things are tips other people have given:
    (1) Volunteer outside of work. Anything – animal shelter, arts organization, park clean-up. It helps even if you don’t end up making friends out of the activity.
    (2) Go to conferences in your field and look for people to co-author with. Do some collaborative work outside your department.
    (3) Join some task force at your college/university that puts you in contact with people outside your department: Union, Senate, etc. I’ve made friends in English and Art and I’m so thankful for those (and other) connections.
    (4) Start something – book group, film club, and extend invitations to everyone you’ve met in your current city. Most won’t stick – but if something does stick it could be a lifeline.
    FWIW – I don’t have kids and live alone so I’ve thought a lot about how to build community in a city where communities are hard to break into. I also don’t have the loneliness that taking care of small children can bring.
    Give it 3+ years of trying hard to find a community. Sometimes it takes that long (in my experience).

    Reply
  15. Prof L

    SLAC professor—This is a strange argument to have, but no, studies indicate that married people are significantly less lonely. This is a robust finding. Children appear to have no affect on loneliness or self-reported well-being, so I stand corrected there.

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  16. Prof L

    Ps. I should also say that these are just statistics, and of course married people are often lonely and unmarried people are often not. In no way is being unmarried a guarantee of loneliness or being married a guarantee that one will not be lonely. It’s just a single factor. There are some great suggestions here. Really, I just wanted to point to one causal factor and say that sacrificing marriage to career is a bad deal, on average, since marriage often is the main source of social support.

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  17. Not Lonely

    Join an activity of some kind that occurs regularly with the same group of people. That way, friendship and a sense of community almost comes built-in to the activity. Jiu Jitsu and Crossfit are prime examples. (Hence the jokes about these communities being “cult-like”. But their enthusiasm is telling.)
    Did wonders for me. I only wish I would have known this strategy years ago when I was a lonely young adult.

    Reply
  18. Joshua Paschal

    Oh, hey, its me! Almost completely missed this!
    Not FT obviously–my original comment was mainly just a “Oh, this is definitely something I used to struggle with.”
    My main general recommendation, in general, would be community events. Volunteer labor and all that can just further fatigue issues, but going to community events when possible is nice. Here in Bloomington, for example, our farmers markets are very popular and a good way to just get out. That or things like union organizing, as I have. But that’s a whole different story.
    Appreciate the kind thoughts from y’all! And best of luck to everyone.

    Reply

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