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Mismatches between inner life and outward demeanor?

In most recent "how can we help you?" thread, a reader asks:

[T]his is a rather unusual question. It's a question about usual psychology people have, but first, a bit of explanation. Somehow what I show on the outside often differs from how I feel from inside (not deliberately!). For example, when I speak calmly and relaxed in a talk, there is a good chance that I feel panic inside (at least initially), and when I sound nervous, there is a good chance that I actually feel very confident inside (at least initially). Also, I can come off sweet when I talk to people I don't like, but come off mean or harsh when it's someone I respect. These are just some examples. I wonder if other people have any unusual psychologies related to the profession. I am not trying to be nosy. But I am a bit tired/sad of only seeing the "masks" and not the interiors, given how different my own "masks" differ from the interior. (I didn't talk about this with colleagues because it might sound too bizarre and off putting.)

This is a really interesting query. I discovered something similar about myself through my dissertation advisor, who at one point pointed out something about my demeanor that didn't at all match my inner experience (N.B., I tend to frown when thinking and talking through complex things). I was thankful for the tip, and I've always tried to be mindful of it so that I don't rub people the wrong way.

Anyway, I totally empathize with the OP's thought that having to put on "masks" sort of sucks, which is why frankly sometimes I try harder than others. But at the same time, unless one wants to be like Wittgenstein and have basically no "filter" (which I know some people choose, but can give rise to interpersonal problems), one sort of has to pick and choose how to "put one's best foot forward" with people.

Do any other readers have examples to share?

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7 responses to “Mismatches between inner life and outward demeanor?”

  1. not a competition

    but what you describe feels like my everyday life as a somewhat racialised person. I guess I wouldn’t be a very sociable person if I showed my anger and contempt as often as I liked to.

    Reply
  2. idk

    Maybe this is my own social incompetence showing, but I genuinely don’t get what alternative the OP is proposing. Should I be rude to people I don’t like at work? Should I announce if I feel nervous or confident during a talk? As far as I can tell, it’s a general norm of professional contexts that you can’t go “unmasked” in the sense of truthfully sharing every thought and feeling you have. As for whether you come across as nervous during a talk, I wouldn’t worry about this at all – nobody reasonable should judge you for being nervous in a context where nearly everyone feels nervous.

    Reply
  3. philosopher

    “You will learn the hard way that in the long journey of life you will meet many masks and few faces” wrote Luigi Pirandello in the novel “One, No One and One Hundred Thousand”. The whole novel is about this issue; you should read it.

    Reply
  4. Not sure of the question

    I’m not entirely sure I understand the question. It doesn’t sound (if I’m hearing the author correctly) that the author is deliberately disguising her/his/their feelings or attitudes or feeling pressed to do so, but rather that something in the way he/she/they present themselves is not easily read by others as indicating the true emotions? Is the problem that you can’t get people to understand what you actually feel (ie you are mistakenly signaling to people you like and appreciate that you disrespect them?) Is the problem that you think everybody should actually act in a way that signals their actual inner life at every moment?
    If the latter, I kind of just….disagree. There are certainly spaces and relationships where you should just be yourselves, and that includes friendship with many peers and colleagues. But a lot of professional environments are not those spaces. I work very hard not to appear bored by an undergraduate student asking a question I’ve heard 50,000 times because that would be rude and not at all helpful to their learning and wrong of me in the role of their teacher (even if its a totally reasonable emotion to actually be feeling.) I try to not look irritated by colleagues who just aren’t my cup of tea because offices get by on pleasantries. I practice appearing more confident in talks because a lot of ticks that I undertake when nervous are distracting and cause people to not be able to focus on my actual argument. To me that feels fine– part of being human, of being someone who operates in different roles in different contexts.
    If the issue is the former, it’s worth asking people for feedback on how you are coming across. I’ve certainly myself often felt like there is a mismatch between how my affect reads and what I want people to know about my inner life, and I’ve worked a bit to correct it (for example, sometimes I have thought that my natural way of speaking seems more confident so I come across as not needing help when I do, or as making a claim when I’m just exploring an idea.)
    And of course, one should certainly try to cultivate relationships where one doesn’t need to come across any way than one feels (except as base politeness requires as it does sometimes even in very loving close relationships) because the nature of the relationship is a deep and open one between equals.

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  5. nd philosopher

    Neurodicergence makes this set of issues harder. Not only are there different expectations and needs in different circumstances, but social norms are mostly set by NT people and they can often misinterpret what’s going on.

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  6. resting objection face

    Similar to Marcus’s story: I was told that when I’m in the audience of talks, I frequently make faces that communicate that I’m in disagreement with the speaker’s claims. I don’t want to present that image—I think it’s just my ‘thinking’ face—so now I consciously do a lot more nodding and smiling. I don’t mind doing that at all though, and I like when people smile and nod when I’m talking. Seconding the above comments, sometimes there are very good reasons for being careful about one’s mask.

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  7. resting bitch face

    I find that this is a particular problem for me when dealing with colleague’s and student’s work – especially since I joined an interdisciplinary department where the amount of bad/nonsense work seems higher. I think I have a resting bitch face which can make it seem like I hate someone’s work – though actually I’m just thinking about it. If I’m smiling through your talk, it’s probably not that engaging or I think its nonsense and have clocked out but am trying to keep up the pleasantries.
    It’s the same with the questions I ask, if I ask a difficult question it is probably because I think your work is actually worth engaging with. Whereas if I ask a nicer question, its probably from a duty to ask questions of speakers (and I think my real thoughts would be too rude). I try to balance this with high praise before tough questions, but I wonder whether that just comes across as pleasantries rather than my true feelings.This sometimes leads to people believing I think good work is bad and vice versa.
    Have people found a way to better communicate their inner attitudes/true opinions on work in a constructive way whilst maintaining pleasantries?

    Reply

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